Ho-ho-ho, it’s Christmas, the “happiest” holiday of the year! Not for all, especially when you’re obligated to buy presents for people you really don’t like. Given the sh*t storm of the year we’ve had, it’s probably a terrible idea to wage a full-out war – give your angsty soul a small dose of catharsis with these “passively-aggressive” gifts.
We’re easing ourselves into this, so let’s start by stoking the flames of our apathetic tendencies (pun intended). An unscented candle is the perfect addition to any annoying person’s Christmas gift swap – innocuous, harmless, innocent. Wait, I thought you were allergic to most fragrances? Bonus points if you manage to throw in a remark about them dimming the room in your cards.
The more specific, the better. Target potential insecurities, but refrain from all-out insults. Even better, get them an e-book and wrap an empty box containing a slip of paper containing a link to access their “gift”.
Subtlety is key – be sure to get titles like “The Art of Growing Up”, “The Key To Being Self-Aware”, “Bottles Are Not Friends” (we made these titles up, but we’re sure you’ll be more creative). When probed about your choice of gift, express your concern about their personal development and quickly hang back… nothing gets them spiralling like dropping a bomb and walking away.
A Shirt That Is Just… A Smidge Too Small
Ideally in a design and brand they love. Imagine the fretting. The increased apprehension when trying to enjoy holiday festive foods. The resolve to lose some weight, only to lose all hope as the Chinese New Year looms ahead. Diabolical!
An Accessory To Something They Don’t Own
This tip is especially useful for materialistic individuals who see their possessions as indicators of their superiority. If they adore Samsung and abhor Apple, give them an Apple charger. If they adore Apple and abhor Samsung, vice versa. It’s time to change your phone to a better brand, hunny! Wink wonk.
Donation In Their Name
They can’t be mad at you for trying to make the world a better place! Do good and frustrate the odious ones in your life with one masterful stroke, and bonus points to you if you manage to find a cause that curdles their soul.
Maybe a pro-choice rehabilitation programme for struggling single mothers for your annoyingly preachy pro-life auntie? Or maybe a migrant welfare fund for an uncle who vehemently opposes “foreign talent” while underpaying his maid? A relative who shirks caring responsibilities for elderly grandparents? I would have given the money to Ah Kong directly, but we all know you already take such good care of him, hehehe!
A Semi-Solid Soap That Looks As Good As They Do
Have you heard of this new adage? Say it with me: TALK SHIT, GET HIT. In this case, they’re getting hit with this hahaha so quirky and funny, it’s a gag gift, you get it horh? lump of soap that represents who they are as a human being – downright shitty. Probably the closest thing to a lump of coal in modern context; you’re practically doing the work of Santa Claus with this!
Call out the shitheads for what they are with: Handmade Poop Soap
Animal Print Facial Masks
This may seem unintentional but it looks fun and cute. Don’t forget to deliver the low-blow note that says “This animal is so cute, remind me so much of you.” Woof! Nothing says “Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal”
Optional last step: revel and relish at your ingenuity. You just disguised your disdain into an awesomely awful package, rendering someone else’s life just a touch more inconvenient!
Now all you have to do is sit back and wait for their perplexed responses when they open the presents. 😈